I know, like I know, like I know – what does this mean anyway, and why do I need another source to tell me I am right? Why do I question this internal feeling – this gut reaction – this inner questioning or complete screaming voice that keeps repeating, “HEY! YOU! Check this out – You ARE worth it!”
You are worth having a person that loves you fully – that looks at you and admires what you do – who you are and cherishes your every movement. Why do I sometimes not see what I have in front of me? Why do I somehow think it is wrapped in a different package inside a different person – a person of my past?
Why it is not good enough, now? Why is it - when shit gets bad, that I begin to think I am in the wrong place? That I ‘should’ be here instead with so and so doing God knows what because NOW is not completely pleasant.
My wonderful friend explained – “shit gets bad, Brittney, it isn’t always rainbows and butterflies as they say.” This is true – even in my unrealistically optimistic and positive world, shit gets bad.
My mind travels to the past in these situations – I think of “back then” and how it was. I look at those moments and they seem so wonderful, but if I really sit and think about it – it wasn’t, it wasn’t as ‘great’ as I can envision it to be now. ‘Back then’ was filled with immaturity and hopelessness and a constant feeling of needing to prove myself to be good enough and worthy.
Kind of like today….
A day where my singing is like that of a ‘dying cat’ or my career doesn’t ‘bring in enough’ to support our family, or other negative comments that I let fill up my mind and take over my thoughts.
Instead of listening to the more positive soliloquies that exit my lovers mouth, oddly enough more frequent than the negative. I hear and reiterate the negative because damn, when the negative comes it hits and hard. Take a mac truck and fill it with bricks, throw it into a cement wall with that and me in between, this may do the feeling justice. I want to run back to when I was free and at times even, unmarried.
That life however, was not as pleasant as it really is now. I have a partner now who truly is my teammate. He brings out the best in me, in more ways than I can ever imagine attempting to do so on my own….
I remind myself, I am loved and I am grateful.